Watching the sun set, burning the sky in bursts of orange and purple, she downed another shot of bourbon. She felt the numbness, the feelings slowly burning into ash, like the sun burning the sky. It was all a heartbeat away from darkness.
How are you doing
A simple text. A simple question. The answer fraught with tumultuous responses. Her thumb hovered over the keyboard; how should she respond? She wanted to talk, needed to talk, wanted the connection but hesitated. Aloof? Perhaps pithy. Anything to hide her desperation.
How are you doing?
A simple avoidance. She wanted to talk; correction, needed to talk, but a simple deflection to keep the focus off herself. She didn’t want to lie, didn’t want to say I feel like shit, as usual. Easier to deflect and ask about him, keep a conversation while avoiding anything to do with her state of mind. The conversation flowed. Stalled. Flowed again and turned to music. Songs perfect for you he said. How does he know the perfect way to break her? The songs to make her speechless; bring her to tears. How does he see her so clearly even when she tries to hide?
The sunset slowly burns the sky to darkness. Trails of color falling, fading, as she watches, heavy lidded from alcohol, until the stars sparkle in the darkness. Her heart aches, sensucht, yearning for something indescribable, something that will never arrive. She checks her messages. Nothing. She waits, hoping, holding the phone like a precious stone, the only connection to someone. The only connection to him. Sensucht. He is what she yearns for; a connection. Love. Someone to see through the darkness that haunts her daylight.
Are you okay?
She hesitates. She downs a shot of bourbon.
He waits. Checks his phone; nothing.
Are you there?
She watches the sun set. The light burning into darkness. Her thumb hovers as her mind races through responses. Don’t lie, no, don’t say fine, don’t tell the truth, I want to die, her mind shifts slowly, drunkenly, through responses as the sun falls beyond the horizon.