Conversations: Lessons Learned

I’m finally learning, Thanatos.

Learning what my dear?

All the lessons you’ve been teaching me over the years. I never realized they were there until I listened and now it all seems so clear.

I did not attempt to teach you.

Perhaps not intentionally but I’ve learned nonetheless.

And what is it that you’ve learned?

It is all about three things: image, strength and positivity. It doesn’t matter if you are good or bad, it doesn’t matter if you love or hate, it only matters if you project the right image, be strong in whatever you do and only reveal positive feelings even if it it is a lie.  If you are strong in whatever you do or at least appear strong and happy that is all that matters.  That is how the game is played.  Pretend to be strong even if you aren’t.  Be happy even when you don’t feel it. Project the right image in any situation.

That is not…

Being kind, being soft-hearted, showing fear and sorrow only leaves you alone.  It opens you up to abuse.  Being authentic and honest, feeling the pain and hurt that is this world means no one will love you, not long term.  People only love someone who is strong enough to withstand all the shit.  People only love someone who smiles despite boredom, despite depression, despite the rat-race behind gray cubicle walls or open office pits, despite the world burning and the wars raging and the debts piling higher than the savings in the banks. People only love someone who is strong enough to survive, to take care of themselves, who is positive all the time.

M, my dear, that is not…

I learned, Thanatos, I have.  I am a woman.  I am meant to be a beautiful object, desired and smiling, happy despite it all, to make others feel good, to help others forget the shit in this world, or their own private hell, I am meant to reflect only what they want.  I wear a costume designed to reflect both sex and strength.  Heels, the higher the better, so I appear like an Amazon while at the same time make it difficult for me to run.  It is the appearance of strength and power, the courage to be so damn tall, that matters.  My lips painted perfectly, stained a deep red, to stand out and hit that primal desire that says my lips are swollen with desire for you are more important than what my lips actually say.  It is the image, the projection of courage, of strength.  It allows me to be both victim and user, gives me the power to use the desire of others while portraying the definition of someone else’s desires.  I am their object to get what I want.  Both powerful and powerless.

M, listen to me, that is not why I desire you.

Oh, but it is my dear Thanatos, it is.  It is always what is wanted, in the end, to smile brightly as my body writhes for your pleasure, for his pleasure, for everyone’s pleasure.  It is the courage, you see, dear Thanatos.  The courage I’ve had.  To face death over and over. The strength to fight for the exit.  You confuse that courage with sadness, with emotions, with all the emotions that have raged within me all these years; the emotions I’ve tried to escape.  What the lesson is, really is, is simply to be strong enough to ignore emotions, the messy emotions, so others don’t have to feel them, see them, touch them.  Use my strength of survival to oppress the negative feelings, show only what is expected, play the game properly, the positivity game, and do it with enough conviction to appear authentic and I can have anything I want.  I can have love.  I can have someone protect me, fight for me, come to me whenever I want because I have the strength to see the reality while playing the game. 

M, my dear M, no.  I desire you because you see the reality and don’t play the game.  You feel it all and rejected being just another player in the game.  You’ve attempted to escape and find something different. 

She laughed, no, no, my dearest Thanatos, that is the mistake I’ve made all these years.  I’ve attempted to escape reality, I’ve attempted to become normal and a good player like all the rest, thinking it will stop all these dark emotions that swirl within me.  Now I see it clearly.  I can not escape.  I will not end these dark emotions.  I can only use them to fuel my way to becoming just another player that sees the game rules and moves around the board until the game ends.  In the meantime I will dress up however anyone wants, in whatever costume is required for the scene, and only show confidence, compliance, eagerness.  A smile, a positive attitude, saying all the platitudes with conviction, standing tall in my heels and showing strength.  It won’t matter if I am breaking inside, it won’t matter if there are pieces of me shattering like glass because it simply means those broken pieces will sparkle when the light hits.

 

♦♦

M, wow, you look different.

I do? How?

I don’t know, you look… happy? Definitely a new confidence about you.  I was so worried about you but clearly you were right, I didn’t need to worry, just look at you!

Thank you.  I am the same but I have changed.  I’m learning a few lessons, finally.

Thoughts...

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